Eating and drinking my way through life and learning all the while

It’s benign – thank fuck!

That’s all I really heard from what the doctor said it’s benign, I don’t have cancer – thank fuck.

I’ve been quietly not stressing since I found what appeared to be a small lump on my breast.

I got my cousin’s wife to sense check if it was indeed a lump and yeah it was something. Shit, I should probably get this checked when I get home. 

But as I’m still not entirely sure exactly when that will be – after a week or so of musing and considering changing my travel plans – I took up the offer from my cousin to get an ultra sound done on the island to assuage any concerns. It pays to have a doctor in the family!

I thought I was being pretty chill about it all but it had clearly been playing on my mind. I couldn’t quite allow myself to think through what I’d do if it was something, besides get a new pair of tits – I considered if I’d get a smaller pair or a bigger pair and landed on the fact I’m actually pretty happy with the ones I have now.

I didn’t want to stress anyone out over what was probably nothing so I only told my island family who needed to know to help with logistics. I told my husband the morning of the ultrasound as I knew he would stress and wanted to keep the time he would be stressing to a minimum.

I was pretty calm up until the point I was being examined. And then I did what I normally do when I’m anxious. Talk too much. I was rambling on to the doctor examining me and he was quietly doing his thing. Very carefully and thoroughly examining me and I noticed he didn’t immediately reassure me it was nothing. 

My mind went to some strange places in those 20 minutes. Would I do anything differently if this doesn’t go the way I want? I probably don’t need to buy that flat in London now. How would I work with treatment? How will we survive if I don’t? Why the hell don’t I have life insurance or critical illness cover? 

Anyway at the end he said lots of long words I couldn’t keep in my head and a few short ones that did. Benign. Nodule. Non cancerous. To be honest they are the only words I wanted to hear.

I don’t have cancer. Thank fuck!

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